My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.