I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.