A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
There’s only one good girl here!
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants