You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
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Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
never ask a starfish for directions
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues