there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.