god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.