You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh