Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.