I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.