Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
giddy up Office Depot
Running from your problems is cardio .
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.