Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.