INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Cashiers are always checking me out
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.