MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u