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AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”