when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me sliding into hell like
Day 137 of telling myself I鈥檒l start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I don鈥檛 clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
In the 1990鈥檚 we didn鈥檛 have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn鈥檛 look like a serial killer.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I鈥檓 literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
馃崬馃
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It鈥檚 a rare occurrence, so you鈥檙e special.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Slip 鈥榥 Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.