Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.