*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
favorite tropes as memes
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!