they should invent a hydrating liquor
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Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.