Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
then why did i get this email
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.