Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
how do y’all walk in shallow water