Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
seems like a niche market
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.