I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’ve been drinking.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Vodka burrito was a success
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec