If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.