hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea