every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.