how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and weβre out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
asked my bf how work was today
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Howβs your Saturday going?
Iβll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We donβt have a dog.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: Cβmon, itβll be HOT.
W: β¦
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Most peopleβs biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate programβ¦and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I canβt make this shit up.
he asked βwhat are we?β i said we the best
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Donβt judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughterβs night stand.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.