Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.