Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.