Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Still my favourite meme.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Solving a traffic jam
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?