I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You Might Also Like
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Just parrot things
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem