Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.