dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My whole life was a lie.
CRYING
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit