This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Goodnight 🐶
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that