I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I love art.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice