No selfies while hijacking a train.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Perfect
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
This line from Airplane.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.