If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.