An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
You Might Also Like
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable