By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.