Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”