My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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More like Kate Missington.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy