Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.