Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse