Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process