An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are