GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.