*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.