I know this now 😂
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2005 Single
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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.