just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No