I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…