@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.